Carl Jung once said that “the most dangerous psychological mistake is the projection of the shadow onto others.”
I feel that on this holiday break. Most conflict: interpersonal, communal, spiritual, starts when someone wrestling their own darkness mistakes you for their battleground.
I used to think I could avoid this if I just explained myself well enough… moved gently enough… was compassionate “enough.”
But I can’t outrun someone else’s shadow. It walks with them—cast on me.
What I can do is learn to recognize the moment their shadow lands on me.
For me, the first sign is intensity.
Not every disagreement or discomfort is a projection. Humans clash all the time. Personalities don’t always mix: different values, different morals, different goals, different perspectives, different trauma, different strategies for getting needs met. I get that. That’s normal.
But when the emotional charge is strong, out of proportion for what happened, or strangely personal… that’s usually not about me. That’s their shadow searching for a new battleground.
My strategy starts with simple observation:
Notice the flare.
When someone’s reaction is harder than the situation called for, I pause. I feel it, but I let it pass.
Acknowledge it instead of fighting it.
If I argue with their projection, it only grows. Shadows get stronger when you deny them.
Name what’s happening.
Not out loud, but to myself: “This is not about me. This person is projecting.”
That one sentence keeps me from internalizing their story.
Stay rooted.
Their shadow doesn’t overwrite my truth.
Who decided their darkness swallowed my sun?
The only one who can decide that is me.
And sometimes the simplest thing you can do is let their shadow pass like a wave hitting a rock.
The goal isn’t to be liked or understood, but to see clearly—your shadow and theirs—and not let either pull you out of yourself.
How do you deal with it when someone’s shadow tries to make you their mirror?