CraigJustCraig

Tag: mental-health

  • Hollow Smiles and A Velvet Thrones

    …breath that catches, through heat rising in the belly.

    This time, she came whispering about needs versus strategies.

    I didn’t recognize the difference at first. How easily we miss each other. like boats passing in the night. I’ve spent so long trying to survive that I blurred the line between the two. It’s subtle, but different strategies—like requests or desires—are about specifics. While needs? Needs are different. They’re universal truths we all carry.

    “Your needs are not too much. And they are not the same as the strategies you use to fulfill them.”

    For so long, I was confused.

    I’d say: _Call me, see me, don’t leave me, change for me._
    What I meant was: _I need connection. I need reassurance. I need to be seen._

    But I didn’t have the language. I only had the longing, the shame—and I’d end up analyzing or criticizing.
    “You’re selfish.”
    “You never listen.”

    I didn’t know I could just _name the need_.
    So vulnerable. So exposed.

    Not make someone responsible.
    Not demand a script.

    Just… that I have the right to say:
    _I need care._
    _I need respect._
    _I need room._

    Once I could name my needs, I became aware of my strategies—how I cope with the fear of my needs not being met.

    They are the most human part of me.

    When I lose sight of the truth, I trap myself. I stop seeing possibility.

    It all comes back to this: Be here, now, with what’s real. That’s the gift.

    I think about all the times .
    “I didn’t know how to ask for…”
    “I didn’t know how to say…”
    “I didn’t know how to take ‘no’ as anything other than proof I was unworthy.”

    It fucking sucks to learn this now—unseen, unspoken, unmet needs.

    To realize: I was simply trying to survive.

    That kind of shift—the one that doesn’t need to scream, that doesn’t collapse—it just _is_.

    To name what you feel.
    To honor what you need.
    To ask.

    And when I really get quiet and sit still, I feel it—that sense that our needs aren’t separate.

    We all just want to be whole.

  • The Three Steps to Effective Conversation

    1.Lead with presence.

    2.Come from curiosity and care.

    3.Focus on what matters.

    The First Foundation: Presence

    Effective communication requires presence.

    •Given the complexity of communication, transformation occurs most readily through small shifts sustained over time.

    •Presence lays the ground for connection.

    •Lead with presence; begin conversation with awareness, return to and strive to maintain that awareness, and be honest with oneself about what’s happening.

    •The more aware we are, the more choice we have.

    •Leading with presence includes mutuality, seeing the other person as an autonomous individual, and uncertainty, acknowledging and accepting the unknown, both of which create new possibilities in dialogue.

    The Second Foundation: Intention

    Intention determines direction.

    •Our intentions, views, and experiences reinforce each other: views determine intentions, intentions shape experiences, and experiences confirm our views. Shifting our view therefore can change our intentions and our experience.

    •Being aware of our habitual conflict styles allows us to transform the underlying beliefs and emotions that hold them in place and to make different choices.

    •The less blame and criticism, the easier it is for others to hear us.

    •Everything we do, we do to meet a need.

    •People are more likely to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.

    The Third Foundation: Attention

    Attention shapes experience.

    •The more we are able to differentiate between our strategies and needs, the more clarity and choice we have.

    •The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving.

    •Being aware of our emotions supports our ability to choose consciously how we participate in a conversation.

    •The more we take responsibility for our feelings, connecting them to our own needs rather than to others’ actions, the easier it is for others to hear us.

    •The more we hear others’ feelings as a reflection of their needs, the easier it is to understand them without hearing blame, needing to agree, or feeling responsible for their emotions.

    •Having empathy for ourselves increases our capacity to listen to others, whether or not they have the space to listen to us.

    •Stating clearly what happened, without judgment or evaluation, makes it easier for someone to hear us and to work toward a solution.

    •Translating judgments into observations, feelings, and needs can yield valuable information about what is and isn’t working and provide clues for how to move forward.

    •When giving feedback, be specific about what is and isn’t working and why, which makes it easier to learn.

    •The clearer we are about what we want and why, the more creative we can be about how to make it happen.

    •Have ideas for strategies that meet as many needs as possible, which invites others to look for creative solutions.

    •Stating how a conversation can contribute to both of us helps create buy-in and willingness.

    •Whenever possible, check if the other person feels understood before moving on to a new topic or shifting the center of attention to your own experience.

    •We have more clarity and power when we use fewer words with more sincerity. Speaking in short, succinct chunks makes it easier for others to understand us.

    •Attending to our own reactivity, noticing the rise of activation and supporting the calm of deactivation, can help us make wiser choices about what to say and when.

    •When in conflict, if we aim to listen to the other person first it increases the chances that they will be willing to listen to us.

  • Words That Land: Say It With Your Chest and Your Spirit @DiorTheGoddess

    Requests for Dialogue

    •“Would you be willing to take some time to have a conversation with me about [topic]?”

    •“Could we sit down together and look at what we both need to see if we can find a way to work this out?”

    Offering Empathy

    •“Let me see if I’m understanding. What I’m getting is…?”

    •“I want to make sure I’m getting it. It sounds like…?”

    •“Here’s what I’m hearing…Is that right?”

    Eliciting Information

    •“Tell me more.”

    •“Anything else you’d like me to understand about this?”

    Requests for Empathy

    •“What would be most helpful for me is just to be heard. Would you be willing to listen for a bit and tell me what you’re hearing?”

    •“I just said a lot and I’m not sure it all came out the way I was intending. Could you tell me what you got from all that?”

    •“What I just said is really important to me. Would you be willing to tell me what you’re getting?”

    Inserting a Pause

    •“I’d like a moment to gather my thoughts.”

    •“I’m not sure. Let me think about that.”

    •“This sounds important. I’d like to give it some time.”

    •“I’d like some time to take that in. Can we pause here for a moment?”

    Taking a Break: To Pause a Conversation

    •“I’d really like to continue our conversation, and I’m not in the best frame of mind to do that right now. Can we take a break and come back to this…?”

    •“I’d really like to hear what you have to say, and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I don’t think I’ll be able to listen well. Could we take a break and continue tomorrow?”

    •“I’m committed to figuring this out together and don’t quite have the space to think clearly now. Can we put this on hold until…?”

    •“I want to finish our conversation, and I don’t think anything else I say right now will be useful. Could we take a break until…”

    •“I’d really like to hear what you have to say, but the way you’re saying it is making that very difficult. I wonder if you’d be willing to…

    …try explaining what’s happening for you in a different way?”

    …take a break until we’ve both had a chance to reflect on this?”

    …let me have a moment to tell you what’s going on for me?”

    Interrupting

    •“Let me make sure I’m still with you…”

    •“I want to make sure I’m getting everything you said. Can we pause for a moment so I can make sure I’m following it all?”

    •“I want to hear the rest of what you’re saying, and I’m starting to lose track. Can I summarize what I’m hearing so far?”

    •“I want you to continue, but I’m a bit confused. May I ask a question?”

    •“I want to keep listening, and there’s something I want to clarify. May I respond for a moment?”

    Redirecting

    •“I’m glad you mention that. Before we go there, I’d like to say one or two more things about…”

    •“I appreciate you bringing that up. I want to discuss that in a minute, but first I’d like to touch on…”

    •“Yes, that’s important. Can we finish talking about this first, and come back to that in a moment?”

    Hearing No

    •“I’m curious to know, why not? Could you share more?”

    •“What’s leading you to say no? Do you have other ideas?”

    •“Can we take some time to brainstorm ideas that could work for both of us?”

    •“What would you need to know, or what could I do, to make it possible for you to say yes?”

    Saying No

    •“I’d like to say yes, and here’s what’s getting in the way of that right now.”

    •“I’m hearing how important this is to you, and I’m not seeing how I can make it work given that I also have a need for…Could we explore some other options that might work for you?”

    •“I can’t agree to that without a significant cost to myself in terms of…[other needs]. Would it work for you if we tried…instead?”

    Requests for Do-Overs

    •“That didn’t come out quite right. Can I try that again?”

    •“I feel like we got off to the wrong start. Could we start over?”

    •“I’m concerned some of the things I said aren’t helping. Would you be willing to let me try again?”

    •“Things didn’t really go the way I was hoping when we talked. Could we try having the conversation again?

  • Stop Apologizing: The Undoing of Oppression @TheCheshireKink

    –Excerpt from Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation Without Compromise and Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg and
    Compliments and apologies operate in a system of oppression;
    that rewards are as harmful as punishment, that killing is the easy way out. Such statements are typically uttered as expressions of life-alienating communication…

    Notice, how, they reveal little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. Judgments—both positive and negative—are life-alienating communication.

    For example, if we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?”

    The process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves. We see how our behavior ran counter to our own needs and values, and we open ourselves to feelings that arise out of that awareness.

    When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we are naturally stimulated toward creative possibilities for how to get that need met. In contrast, the moralistic judgments we use when blaming ourselves tend to obscure such possibilities and to perpetuate a state of self-punishment.

    The second overall step in the healing process is “mourning.”

    In the role of the brother, after the empathy, I mourned. Here’s what that sounded like:

    “Sister, when I see how my actions have contributed to your pain, I feel very sad. It didn’t meet my need to nurture and support you in a way I really would’ve liked.”

    The main thing here is that it requires that we see a big difference between mourning and apology. I see apology as a very violent act. It is violent to the person receiving it and violent to the person giving it.

    And what’s even more tragic is the person receiving it usually likes it, addicted by the culture to want the person to suffer and see them hating themselves. What I find to be true is that nobody will ever apologize or want an apology if they have experienced sincere mourning instead.
    Let’s look at the difference between mourning and apology more closely.

    Apology is based on moralistic judgment—that what I did was wrong and I should suffer for it, even hate myself for what I did.

    That’s radically different than mourning, which is not based on moralistic judgments. Mourning is based on life-serving judgments.

    Did I meet my own needs? No. Then what need didn’t I meet?

    When we are in touch with our unmet need, we never feel shame, guilt, self-anger, or the depression that we feel when we think that what we did was wrong.

    We feel sadness, deep sadness—sometimes frustration—but never depression, guilt, anger, or shame.

    Those four feelings tell us we are making moralistic judgments at the moment we are feeling those feelings. Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.

    And I’m glad to have those feelings, because if I’m thinking in a way that I believe supports violence on our planet, I want to as quickly as possible transform that thinking.

    In our second step, then, I mourned; I didn’t apologize, I mourned.

    clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of
    appreciation:

    1. the actions that have contributed to our well-being
    2. the particular needs of ours that have been ful lled
    3. the pleasureful feelings engendered by the ful llment of those needs

    e sequence of these ingredients may vary; sometimes all three can be
    conveyed by a smile or a simple “ank you.” However, if we want to ensure
    that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the
    eloquence to express all three components verbally. e following dialogue
    illustrates how praise may be transformed into an appreciation that
    embraces all three components.
    Saying “thank you” in NVC: “is is what you did; this
    is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.

    Apology says: “I’m wrong, punish me.” save that for the bedroom fun times
    Mourning says: “I see where I stepped out of alignment. I feel the ache of that. And I want to return to connection with you, and with my own values.”

    That’s the spell.
    That’s the fucking magic.

    replaces guilt and punishment with shared human needs, center connection over shame, and acknowledges harm without groveling or self-erasure. Shifts the “I was bad” into “my actions didn’t meet my values or your needs”

  • Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg Review

    seriously this book is casting out spirits disguised as a communication manual.

    Marshall Rosenberg didn’t just hand me a tool, he handed me a mirror, and a scalpel. and said get to work.

    This book is not about how to “communicate better.” It’s about how to stop speaking like a colonizer. and how to stop letting the colonizer speak through you.

    This was a wake up call to how much of our everyday speech is laced with violence, shame, and guilt. This book really pulled back the veil of socially acceptable manipulation and all the ways we’ve learned to control, manipulate, and people.

    Most of what we call “communication” is a poorly disguised threat without even realizing it.

    Judgement, blame and guilt are expressions of our own unmet needs.””survival stragtegies” we us to avoid facing fact we dont know what we need and hoping someone else can figure it out for us.

    The book said “All criticism, attack, and insult vanish when we listen for feelings and needs.”

    How everytime you hear the word “should” or “I have to,” you’re handing your agency to the abyss. and saying Fuck it. you’re outsourcing your power. you’re kicking your inner child on your way out the door…. again

    When you been taught to that sacrifice = love, when actually… your just neglecting your needs and Wearing your pain like it’s a badge of honor.

    What sucked and was heard to swallow was “Nobody makes you feel anything.” The way I interpret what someone says or does is on me. “Anger isn’t about anyone else. It’s about your unmet needs.” see that one i need a minute ….

    “The difference between a request and a demand is what happens when someone says no.” Ouch. you see what i mean?

    This man said : “Depression is your reward, for being good.” like wtf!!!!!!!

    That we are taught to be good, be obedient, be productive, and above all be quiet your actual needs.

    What the real struggle is: Don’t label. Don’t judge. Just say what’s happening, say what you feel, say what you need, and clearly, concisly, ask. Language is a spell to liberate, not to control. Guilt, shame, blame? Just masks to avoid your needs.

    This book is not gentle. But it will help you grow.

    Rosenberg is calling for a revolution dismantling the internalized systems of domination that keep us distant from ourselves and each other. He teaches you how to get real and get in touch with your needs. He’s asking us to speak in a language of life. A language of need. A language of choice.

    And honestly? That shit slaps.
    Highly recommend

  • Review: The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden

    Before I get into the review, I want to lay some groundwork. I don’t choose books at random. Every book I pick, I do so with the hope that it will crucible for me—not just as a person, but as a mage, a prophet, and a healer.

    My background is… strange. I’m a former preacher, a former school teacher, and now a former research scientist. So I come to magick from three angles: as a member of a congregation, as a student, and as a research topic or research area.

    Here, my lab, my equipment, and my facilities is myself. In Existential Kink by Carolyn Elliott, she states, “The truth is sensational.” Truth resonates—it has a feeling associated with it. That is my metric, those are my notes for further examination, and that is what I’m going to share with you.

    But also, while I will share that with you, I will also talk about two things: association and recollection. As the student, these are essential for my understanding, and I will bring up other books, other quotes, other authors, and other notes to help bring my point into focus.

    And finally, as an area of research and study, let me share my methodology for evaluation. Unlike Western culture, which calls for “scientific” backing to split reason from emotion, and reality is understood perceived and organized, in linear sequential relationships.

    I will use Marimba Ani’s Yurugu definition for study: knowing a subject involves knowing the surroundings. Knowledge involves immersion, and through sympathetic participation, meaning is revealed and understood as Symbols—these symbols—are the words I will share with you.

    I don’t usually talk about this, but because this book is something I’ve newly finished, I wanted to reinforce my ideas, beliefs, and practices with you.

    So let’s begin.

    Branden defines self-esteem as “the immune system of consciousness.” That stuck with me. He breaks it down into six practices: Living consciously, Self-acceptance, Self-responsibility, Self-assertiveness, Living purposefully. Personal integrity

    What came to mind in reading that was: your self-esteem is a credit card with unlimited funds, but that bitch will decline

    And while the tone of the book is undeniably Western—individualistic, capitalist, and sometimes awkwardly obsessed with Ayn Rand—I was surprised at how much of it aligned with magical theorems and esoteric principles. what came to mind as I read were these theorems:

    Theorem 1: All action is magickal.

    Theorem 2: Magick is not something you do; it’s something you are.

    Theorem 4: Creation on the spiritual plane leads to creation on the physical plane.

    Theorem 6: Let go—and let the magick work.

    Theorem 8: Magick is both a science and an art.

    Theorem 9: Magick is synergistic.

    Theorem 16: The sexual trance opens many doors.

    There’s a strong resonance between Branden’s core idea—that self-esteem is the backbone of conscious, embodied living—and the magical premise that alignment between mind, body, and spirit (or soma) is the first step in unlocking your true power.

    Branden writes that self-esteem is made up of two parts:

    Confidence in your ability handle challenge. AND Confidence in our right succeed.

    This reminded me of something else: Magick requires neither your understanding nor your consent. Like self-esteem, it simply does what you ask of it—whether consciously or unconsciously. And as Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it Fate.” or “As above, so below; as within, so without.”

    This is the first step, we must take: walk in one accord—mind, body, and soul: not rejecting or fragmenting any part of ourselves. That is the real beginning of a magical practice. That shit is hard believe me

    which lead into this quote “Self-acceptance is my refusal to be in an adversarial relationship with myself.” That is the first pillar of self esteem and bring to mind what is talked about it in the body keeps the score “feeling free to know what you know and to feel what you feel without becoming overwhelmed, enraged, ashamed, or collapsed.”
    But this is where the work begins he says that “Without self-acceptance, self-esteem is impossible.”, impossible not hard, not unlikely … impossible. Let that sit for a second. This fundemental key force to life is impossible to achieve without acceptance.

    Then he goes on to say self-acceptance is what an effective psychotherapist strives to awaken in a person this mirrors what The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk who says “Psychological problems occur when our internal signals don’t work, when our maps don’t lead us where we need to go, when we are too paralyzed to move, when our actions do not correspond to our needs, or when our relationships break down.” in other words ” realities we cannot avoid. Regardless of what we do or do not admit, we cannot be indifferent to our own self-evaluation. That our actions shape our self-esteem, and our self-esteem shapes our actions. That is magical causality. That is the “as within, so without.” Causation flows in both directions.

    Where I pushed back was the overemphasis on productivity, efficiency, and efficacy, The Western lens of radical individualism

    As a practitioner, my goal is to live congruently—body, mind, and spirit aligned in desire, and in purpose. Reading this book reminded me that esteem is not just a quality. It’s a magickal potential.

    I recommend this book—not as gospel, but as a tool. Take what resonates. Burn the rest.

    I’d love to hear what you’re thinking about it.

  • On time

    Magick is all about mythoform and mythology—the deep stories we tell that shape how we see and move through the world.

    One of the core myths we’ve inherited?
    That ever-present sinking feeling that we’re “wasting time.”
    I still feel trapped by it. Caught in an antagonistic system that breeds confusion, anxiety, and fear.
    That’s not an accident—it’s a built-in feature.

    “Where do these white people run to every morning? To their workplaces, of course. Why do they have to run to something that is not running away from them? They do not have time.”

    I had to say this word in French because there is no equivalent in the local language. The conversation came to a halt when the elder had to ask what this “time” is.
    (Malidoma Somé, Ritual: Power, Healing, and Community)

    Let that sink in.

    This isn’t just a philosophical take—this is about how myth (yes, even modern, “rational” cultures have them) is silently scripting our lives.
    Because “time” we’re so afraid of wasting—it doesn’t exist the way we were told.

    This is my second time coming across this.

    In Yurugu by Marimba Ani:

    “Time” in this view moves ceaselessly towards some point never reached in the “future.” This sense of telos (Greek for “end,” “purpose,” or “goal”) is an important aspect of European mythology—the stories a culture uses to explain the world, its origins, and the fundamental aspects of human existence.

    It gives meaning to European life.

    Yet the “future” creates more problems than it resolves. Ironically, this “future” is approached by the ever-present line of time through which the European seeks fulfillment, but at the same time assures her/him of never being fulfilled.

    The “future” represents unattainable perfection.
    It is an abstraction that is unreachable and, therefore, unknowable.
    And what is unknowable for the European causes anxiety.

    The European psyche needs the illusion of a rationally ordered universe in which everything can be known.

    A future that never comes.
    A perfection you never reach.
    A loop of anxiety, fear, and shame dressed up in suits, clocks, and productivity.

    And the gag is—this was all by design.

    European mythoform—the unconscious structural pattern shaping its worldview—creates an unknown and unknowable future whose only relationship to the past and present is that it determines them, but cannot be determined by them. This antagonistic situation causes emotional confusion, anxiety, and fear for the European.

    Yet this oppressive future cannot be avoided,
    Because the clock moves them toward it at an uncontrollable pace—
    Which seems to move faster and faster.

    All of this is an effect of the limitations of lineal, secular time.
    It is neither phenomenal nor sacred nor spiritual.
    Participants in the culture have only one recourse against the fear: Science (Purchasing of “insurance” a attempt to escape the fear.)

    They seek to relieve their anxiety by gaining control over what controls them. Failing, in the end, to find fulfillment. Because the European conception of science is above all secular, alienating, literate, rationalistic, and linear.

    This abstract and oppressive future continues to threaten, to intimidate, to frighten. They move inexorably toward it, a movement that imparts value (“progress”), and yet the perceived destiny is fear-producing.

    The European worldview doesn’t just teach this logic—
    It hides it beneath the illusion of being “universal.”
    Then turns around and sells that illusion to the rest of the world back to US

    The culture teaches its logic. It hands you its worldview.
    You absorb it, bury it, act on it—and forget it’s not truth, it’s programming.

    “Experts” dig that logic back up, slap a label on it, and sell it as universal truth.

    They present it with such authority—it can only be the only valid way to think.
    But what they’re really pushing is their assumed reality, dressed up as logic and objectivity.

    And because of the way it’s delivered, It gets imposed. Globalized.

    Meanwhile, its roots—Christian morality, Western value systems, white fear, capitalist logic—stay camouflaged under this fake-ass pseudouniversalism.

    It’s clever.
    It’s violent.
    And it keeps us divided.

    In a magickal practice, we don’t work with those stories—we create new ones.
    We bend time.
    Pause it.
    Let it circle back.
    Let it disappear.

    We can reclaim time, redefine time, and name our own rhythms.
    We can create moments that are timeless.
    This is the beauty of the path.

    The further I go, the more I realize this isn’t just about rope, or candles, or chants.
    It’s about epistemology.
    It’s about which stories get believed—and why.
    It’s about what we can do once we stop believing the lies.

    Because the mythoform of the dominant culture is designed to make you chase something you can never catch.
    It tells you time is linear, scarce, and slipping away.
    That if you’re not productive, you’re not valuable.
    That rest is lazy.
    That pleasure is dangerous.

    But we know better.
    This requires deep consideration of all the bullshit that’s been assumed.
    We remember who the fuck we are.
    We strip it.
    Burn it.
    Build Anew.

  •  Intentional Kink Modalities For Healing?

    “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will rule your life and you will call it fate.” — Carl Jung

    Jung’s words ring especially true in the realm of sacred kink. Our unconscious desires—especially the taboo ones—shape our reality, even if we don’t recognize them as “ours.” These disowned parts of ourselves, the ones we repress or ignore, still manage to fulfill themselves. And because we’re disconnected from them, we often misread their arrival in our lives as tragedy rather than fulfillment.

    But what if we could see them? What if we could meet those desires in ritual, in sensation, in play? That’s the heart of intentional kink—a sacred, embodied practice of conscious transformation.

    Seven Axioms of Sacred Kink

    To begin practicing sacred kink intentionally, we start with these seven axioms—guiding truths that reframe sensation, shame, and desire:

    1. Having is evidence of wanting.
    2. We have a choice as to whether we experience sensation as pleasure or pain.
    3. Every happening in life is a “stroke”—and we can get off on all of it.
    4. The degree to which we’re turned on or off is shaped by approval.
    5. Desire evolves through fulfillment—not repression.
    6. Shame is the magic killer.
    7. The truth is sensational.

    These axioms challenge us to stop resisting life, to stop pathologizing desire. They ask us to lean into the body, the breath, the truth of what’s happening right now.

    Intentional kink teaches that our thoughts, like our desires, are tools of creation. The mystical and the neurological meet here. As Urban Tantra reminds us:

    “Every thought you think is creating your future… With self-acceptance and self-love, you can create or change anything in your life.”

    This echoes the neuroscience laid out in The Body Keeps the Score: the only way to access and change the emotional brain is through self-awareness—through interoception, or looking inward. When we engage in kink consciously, we activate this internal gaze. We stop outsourcing our lives and begin witnessing ourselves again

    There’s a darker truth, too. For many, trauma and pleasure have become entangled. As Bessel van der Kolk notes, “fear and aversion can be transformed into pleasure.” Trauma lives in the body and builds patterns that repeat until we interrupt them—through ritual, through embodiment, through sacred play. This is where kink becomes alchemical: it transforms the pain of the past into the power of the present.

    At its deepest, sacred kink is about radical, soul-deep acceptance. When we surrender to what is—when we stop resisting our fears, our shame, our desires—we reclaim the “alarm system” of the body and restore it to its sacred function. The body knows how to care for us. Through intentional kink, it remembers.

    As Dossie Easton describes in The New Topping Book:

    “Play directed to the purpose of attaining altered states of consciousness… becomes a quest for vision, guidance, personal truth, or spiritual communion.”

    Kink becomes a ritual container for trance, surrender, and revelation. It isn’t just play—it’s pilgrimage.

    There are many ways into this sacred terrain. Here are eight powerful modalities—erotic gateways into transformation:

    1. Rhythm – Dance and movement as portals into ecstasy.
    2. Ordeal – Challenge and intensity (rope, balance, endurance) to confront fear and awaken strength.
    3. Flesh – Pain as revelation, skin as scripture.
    4. Ritual – Daily devotion, service, worship, and structure as spiritual discipline.
    5. Breath – Erotic breathwork, connecting energy circuits and expanding presence.
    6. Horse – Roleplay and possession, invoking archetypes and the divine.
    7. Asceticism – Erotic monasticism, obedience, simplicity, and quietude.
    8. Sacred Plants – Entheogenic tools to expand consciousness and dismantle ego.

    Each path opens a different door in the psyche—offering catharsis, communion, clarity, or collapse. And each one, when practiced with intention, brings us home to ourselves.

    Here’s the truth: we are always doing magic, whether we know it or not. Intentional kink simply teaches us how to do it well. When we repress our truth, when we deny what we feel, we don’t stop creating—we just create chaos. As Erich Fromm warns:

    “Avoid the company of zombies—people whose soul is dead although their body is alive.”

    To dissociate is to disappear. But to feel fully—to accept and embody desire, sensation, pain, pleasure—is to come alive again. Magic works either way. Sacred kink lets us choose how.

    To truly heal, we must also confront the stories we live inside. Our ideologies, our fantasies, our inherited myths—these shape our consciousness just as much as our actions do. Until we understand what divides us—internally and culturally—we cannot complete the alchemical journey. This final step, often referred to as “meeting Yurugu,” is the confrontation with the colonial, fragmenting force within us and our society.

    But that’s a whole blog post on its own.

    Sacred kink is not about performance or preference—it’s about presence. It’s about confronting ourselves in the mirror of eroticism and asking: what do I really want? What is my truth? What am I ready to feel, love, and integrate?

    If you’re practicing kink without intention, you’re still doing magic—but you’re blindfolded, spellbound, and chasing shadows. Sacred kink removes the blindfold and hands you the wand.

    The work is deep. The stakes are real. But so is the transformation.

    Welcome to the path.

  • Another Initiation

    I’m starting another initiate’s initiation, and I’m always trying to write down what I do and say so that I can do and say it better the next time—as well as reflect on what I did and what I said to see how I’ve changed and evolved over time. Or, even better, to see what things come back around. I call this grimoire

    This has been amazing and keeps me returning to myself in my own self-reflection. in a process of continual rebirth and refine

    I’m walking this couple through selecting rope. This time I put emphasis on the actual selection of the rope as a ritual. I asked them to get honest and ask themselves:

    • What do you plan to do with this rope?
    • What intentions would you like to set with the rope?
    • What headspace would you like to go into?
    • What roles will you take?
    • What part of your will becomes suffused into this?
    • And what message would you like to send down the rope for your partner to receive?

    As I’m asking these questions, I realize—this is an initiation.

    I love magic, fantasy, and imagination, and they play such a heavy part in my craft. As I guide this process, I’m intimately aware of how important and powerful myth and mythology are. The beginning, the origin, the source—the seed or initiating principle of development—all of that holds weight. Myth is not just story; it’s a conceptual tool. It’s the foundation of a culture, a philosophical and cosmological explanation for how TF we are.

    This initiation is a template. And within it lives the pattern of the culture I’m weaving: the logic, the assumptions, the formation of values. The language we use, the symbols and icons we adopt—all of it shapes the unconscious experience where all this work is aimed at.

    From this, a ideology is born.

    What people often don’t realize is: your mythology is your ideology.

    And by ideology, I mean the presentation of culture—the lived and embodied experience. The intellectual, emotional, spiritual actions that emerge from the the preconscious structure that gives rise to conscious identity.****

    The process moves from the preconscious (mythoform) to the conscious (mythology) to the self consciousness(ideology). This isn’t hierarchical nor unidirectional
    Every culture has a direction: why we see the world the way we do.
    Every culture has momentum: why we think, and eventually act, the way we do.

    So, as I speak about this initiation, I start seeing it as a blueprint. A quiet yet powerful invocation to be present, to be intentional, to dissolve the barriers that stand between us and connection.

    What we do when we select rope… we are weaving a spell that says: “This is my heart. This is my message. This is my love and my desire. This is my declaration that I wish to become one with you.”

    That is so intimate—to move energy through you and into your partner to create something sacred !!!

    So—I love cults. And before you start—everything’s a cult. Cult culture. Cult mentality. Cult vibes. Anything can be a cult. Some say all cults are bad, others want to debate the definition. But what fascinates me isn’t the fear—it’s the possibility. I love sects. I love schools, clans, guilds. I love doctrines. The structure, the symbolism, the shared belief—it all speaks to me. There is so much power in names. Now I’m in my head thinking, This is your Choosing, in a deep mysterious voice booming from on high.

    I start walking them through color theory and number theory—talking to them about how each color corresponds with a unique frequency, specific intention, a mood, an emotional and spiritual state.

    I tell them: As you shop, enter this quest with companionship, union, synchronicity, harmony, union and synergy. Let this knowledge be your guide.

    Sometimes I really wonder why people listen to me. I can hear myself too and I sound insane—like, batshit insane. But is it insane if it works anyway?

    So I send them on this quest—to align, invoke, and amplify the energy they wish to take on this journey.

    Like, you see what I’m saying…

    White – Purity, power, new beginnings, healing, peace, and enhanced psychic abilities. Amplifies other colors.
    Black – Energetic protection, release, and clearing of negativity. Misunderstood, but deeply potent.
    Blue – Peace, tranquility, spiritual openness, loyalty, and protection.
    Brown – Grounding, mental connection, household harmony, and stability.
    Silver – Balancing and neutralizing chaotic forces. Harmonizes subtle energies.
    Green – Prosperity, abundance, healing, success, and growth. Heals envy and scarcity mindsets.
    Orange – Vitality, motivation, drive, and clarity of purpose.
    Pink – Heart-centered love, emotional vulnerability, compassion, and nurture.
    Purple – Deep wisdom, spiritual insight, independence, and intuition.
    Red – Passion, fertility, strength, boldness, raw life force.
    Yellow – Joy, charisma, confidence, attraction, and energetic action.

    I tell them to communicate—honestly, transparently. You are not a passenger. Your power is in the choosing. seize your power—this is your first test!!! dun dun dun

    Okay, I’m really having fun—but I think it’s so important to have fun. So much of what I offer is fun. It’s healing, it’s erotic, it’s sensual. I see having fun as a shortcut to presence. being present

    Now I’m back in my imagination. I see this scene playing out again—but you must take yarn, and spin it, and dye it, and dry it, and… each step, your layering, building intention and purpose like the longest mindfuck ever. By the time the rope touches you, you are so deeply aligned with your purpose and intention, the rope feels like an extension of your will.

    I built this. I made this. I crafted this. I chose this. I poured myself into this

    Okay, back from la-la land again.

    I tell them to choose 5 hanks, 30ft long. I tell them this is their first tying session. Rope happens before fiber touches skin.

    I had them choose cotton rope. I know many will probably disagree with me, but I think rope should be a progression. You start at copper and work your way to diamond. In my personal case—hemp!!

    But I think the order of progression should be something like:
    cotton → MFP → nylon (also other synthetics) → natural fiber (jute or HEMP!!!)

    Anyway, I’m biased. Because there is a lot that goes unsaid with owning rope:

    • care, maintenance, cleaning, training, conditioning
    • when to retire rope
    • how to re-twist, re-braid, whip it
    • how to inspect rope
    • what characteristics different materials hold
    • what benefits and detriments those materials bring

    And we’re only talking about the physical here.

    When we bring this to a another level, you get into how the rope smells, what oils/minerals/herbs to use, what do those do, how to cleanse, how to ground. And the list goes on and on.

    These are things I talk about—and I think they’re important. I try to only teach others who also find them also important. When someone’s just looking for technique or a basic rope class, I point them toward skilled instructors, structured courses, spaces dedicated to technical craft. Those places teach the mechanics far better than I can. My work is something else.

    That is the foundation of everything I teach.

    Yeah, it’s a rope class—but it’s a rope class like Hogwarts is a wand class. If that makes sense. (It does to me.)

    I teach more than rope. I teach the art of deep intentional connection. I teach alignment. I teach presence. I teach intimacy—and not the silly kind of intimacy grounded in sex.

    We once knew how to speak heart to heart, soul to sou. It was instinct. But, we’ve lost it. We’ve traded it for convenience, control, and the illusion of safety.
    Now, we chase intimacy without risk. We crave pleasure without investment. We want closeness without vulnerability. We fear the possibility of disappointment. Yet yearn for belonging.

    What I offer isn’t just rope. It’s a to return to self, a return to breath, a return to stillness, and a way out for that thing clawing at your chest that keeps pulling you back here.

    I’m building and teaching a philosophy that helps people tap into that.

    This is so much more than rope.

    Which brings me to the next aspect of what I’ve learned, and what I’ve seen—and what I now warn people against as an interruption to this process:

    Be patient.

    Be patient toward yourself. Be patient with your progress. Be patient with each other. And, Love every step of the way.

    When I say love, I mean get off. NUT. Orgasm. Make it as sexually, mentally, and spiritually satisfying. Every. Single. Time. Every. Single. Step. Truly edge yourself to your own becoming. Have you ever heard of orgasmic meditation essentially the idea is to gradually increase the size and place of pleasure zone in and around body and adopt new pleasurable sensations using the malleablity of your nervous system. With conscience expansion its possible to take this one step further into shapeshifting your emotions your experiences, and your perspective.

    I write all the time about uncovering my own conditioning around sex, roles, goals, purpose, drive, mission, stance, values, self, love, and power.

    We perpetuate a lot of bullshit that doesn’t serve you. Not only does it not serve you, it doesn’t serve anyone you wish to .

    You are meant to have agency.
    You are meant to have choice.
    You are meant to live as one with each other—and with your environment.
    Not in a fucking box. unconnected consciousness isolated time place and circumstance an abstraction for intellectual investigation
    alienate, locked into lower order spatial temporal dimensions. That crazy.

    You are meant to have friends, neighbors, parents, lovers, tribe, village, community.
    Not this fucking scam.

    You are meant to be here with us—in the cult. You are meant to derive your own conclusions, to merge your consciousness into a great collective and wash away the filth.

    You should be taking time to have rituals and ceremonies and spectacle and epiphanies and orgasms, again and again.

    You are meant to notice the contradictions in this all.

  • This Shit Is a Scam 

    I was rereading though my notes again this morning and talking with Goddess Dior, and somewhere in the middle , I got _fucking mad_. Not just irritated—_PISSED_. Because I realized, once again, like a slap in the face: this shit is a scam.

    Let me be clear—what I’m talking about is _individualism_. This lie we’ve all been told. This pretty little illusion . This fantasy that tells you you’re “free” because you have options. That you’re “authentic” because you picked a different brand or have your own flavor of trauma.

    _you’re not free_. You’re _standardized_. Capitalism could not function if you were.

    “It needs you who feel free and independent, not subject to any authority or principle or conscience—yet willing to be commanded, to do the expected , to fit into the machine without friction; to be guided without force, led without leaders, prompted without aim…”

    That’s the shit right there ….

    We’ve been _tricked_. _Coaxed_. Hoodwicked. _Beguiled_. _Threatened_. Even _killed_ for not conforming. To further concentrate capital, they hollowed us out and called it _progress_.

    And what do we have left?

    We wear a mask of individuality while living lives designed by some old fuck, managed by a cuck, and approved by some bitch. We are taught to _cooperate_, to _be nice_, to _not cause problems_, to _not stand up or out_—all for the sake of hive efficiency and marketability.

    We are so desperate to belong that we _mistake tolerance for intimacy_.

    We search endlessly for resonance, for something _real_, for a heartbeat in the noise—
    but all we find are more distractions.

    Bro this shit pisses me off:
    This isn’t love. This isn’t freedom. This isn’t connection. This is fucking sedation.

    We are automatons with personality packages, cogs with bios. We have forgotten our own fire. Forgotten each other. Forgotten the goddamn _way_.

    We live by the clock. Our joy is scheduled. Our rebellion is approved. We soothe our aches with passive consumption—just numbing out. Our “individuality” is curated in bulk. Our prayers are shallow—_grant me success_, _make me visible_, _help me win_. But no one prays for the truth. No one prays for love. No one prays to feel _real_ .

    We are being sold the fuck show while being trained to obey without question, to chase without purpose, to function without feeling. And we’re doing it with a smile.

    yo, this sucks to write.
    Im looking deeper cause this cant be it.
    where is the heartbeat beneath all this.
    _We are not meant to do this alone._

    We are meant to _resonate_. To _feel_. To Hurt. To Heal. To burn all this debris.
    To _see the humanity_ in one another—not the label, not the party, not the gender or skin or role—but the raw, terrifying, beautiful _shit underneath.

    **Fuck the machine. start connecting. Choose yourself and choose us to. _For the wild ones. The broken-hearted . The rebels. Those who remember._

    See you at the gallows.