–Excerpt from Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and Reconciliation Without Compromise and Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg and
Compliments and apologies operate in a system of oppression;
that rewards are as harmful as punishment, that killing is the easy way out. Such statements are typically uttered as expressions of life-alienating communication…
Notice, how, they reveal little of what’s going on in the speaker; it establishes the speaker as someone who sits in judgment. Judgments—both positive and negative—are life-alienating communication.
For example, if we find ourselves reacting reproachfully to something we did (“Look, you just messed up again!”), we can quickly stop and ask ourselves, “What unmet need of mine is being expressed through this moralistic judgment?”
The process of fully connecting with the unmet needs and the feelings that are generated when we have been less than perfect. It is an experience of regret, but regret that helps us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves. We see how our behavior ran counter to our own needs and values, and we open ourselves to feelings that arise out of that awareness.
When our consciousness is focused on what we need, we are naturally stimulated toward creative possibilities for how to get that need met. In contrast, the moralistic judgments we use when blaming ourselves tend to obscure such possibilities and to perpetuate a state of self-punishment.
The second overall step in the healing process is “mourning.”
In the role of the brother, after the empathy, I mourned. Here’s what that sounded like:
“Sister, when I see how my actions have contributed to your pain, I feel very sad. It didn’t meet my need to nurture and support you in a way I really would’ve liked.”
The main thing here is that it requires that we see a big difference between mourning and apology. I see apology as a very violent act. It is violent to the person receiving it and violent to the person giving it.
And what’s even more tragic is the person receiving it usually likes it, addicted by the culture to want the person to suffer and see them hating themselves. What I find to be true is that nobody will ever apologize or want an apology if they have experienced sincere mourning instead.
Let’s look at the difference between mourning and apology more closely.
Apology is based on moralistic judgment—that what I did was wrong and I should suffer for it, even hate myself for what I did.
That’s radically different than mourning, which is not based on moralistic judgments. Mourning is based on life-serving judgments.
Did I meet my own needs? No. Then what need didn’t I meet?
When we are in touch with our unmet need, we never feel shame, guilt, self-anger, or the depression that we feel when we think that what we did was wrong.
We feel sadness, deep sadness—sometimes frustration—but never depression, guilt, anger, or shame.
Those four feelings tell us we are making moralistic judgments at the moment we are feeling those feelings. Anger, depression, guilt, and shame are the product of the thinking that is at the base of violence on our planet.
And I’m glad to have those feelings, because if I’m thinking in a way that I believe supports violence on our planet, I want to as quickly as possible transform that thinking.
In our second step, then, I mourned; I didn’t apologize, I mourned.
clearly distinguishes three components in the expression of
appreciation:
- the actions that have contributed to our well-being
- the particular needs of ours that have been ful lled
- the pleasureful feelings engendered by the ful llment of those needs
e sequence of these ingredients may vary; sometimes all three can be
conveyed by a smile or a simple “ank you.” However, if we want to ensure
that our appreciation has been fully received, it is valuable to develop the
eloquence to express all three components verbally. e following dialogue
illustrates how praise may be transformed into an appreciation that
embraces all three components.
Saying “thank you” in NVC: “is is what you did; this
is what I feel; this is the need of mine that was met.
Apology says: “I’m wrong, punish me.” save that for the bedroom fun times
Mourning says: “I see where I stepped out of alignment. I feel the ache of that. And I want to return to connection with you, and with my own values.”
That’s the spell.
That’s the fucking magic.
replaces guilt and punishment with shared human needs, center connection over shame, and acknowledges harm without groveling or self-erasure. Shifts the “I was bad” into “my actions didn’t meet my values or your needs”