the ones meant to protect—end up causing even more damage.
So let’s talk about it.
Let’s talk about the fact that, in a lot of cases, it’s not random community members who are fumbling the ball—it’s the leaders. And when they fumble, it’s not a dropped ball. It’s people’s lives.
We’ve all heard it before: “Listen to the victim.”
Sounds good. Feels right. But what happens when the people we’re supposed to turn to were never trained to hold those stories? What happens when leadership is built on logistics, not care? When someone can throw a good party, but can’t hold space for someone’s pain?
most leaders didn’t sign up to be therapists, mediators, or emergency responders. They signed up to run events. To teach classes. To build spaces. And over time, the community starts expecting them to do more , make decisions, take sides.
But many of them aren’t ready. when someone unprepared tries to carry something that heavy, people get crushed underneath.
Right now, we’ve got “leaders” who don’t listen. Who jump to conclusions before even sitting down with the people involved.
Who ban folks from learning or growing. Who confuse neutrality with silence, and silence with safety. Who perform justice publicly, not to repair, but to prove something—to their peers, their audiences, or their egos.
Some of it’s ignorance. Some of it’s pressure. Some of it is absolutely intentional.
Being an event host doesn’t make you qualified to handle trauma.
It means you had the time and energy to plan something. That’s it. That’s not a credential. That’s not a qualification.
But because people don’t know where else to go, they go to the ones with the mic or the clipboard. And when those people aren’t trained or supported, they end up hurting the very people they claim to care about.
Worse—some leaders are scared.
Scared of being sued. Scared of losing clout. Scared of losing access to their favorite violators. And so they scramble. They cover their asses. They ignore the problem or slap a band-aid on a bullet wound.
I’ve seen leaders spread misinformation.
I’ve seen them silence people.
I’ve seen them protect abusers, ostracize victims, escalate situations, and weaponize their influence like a damn sword.
They say they care, but what they really care about is control.
They call it safety.
But it’s safety for them, not for the people who are hurting.
Let’s be real. Not all leaders are built the same.
Some want the title. Some want the power.
But some actually want to be of service—and they’ve done the work.
leaders ask questions. They pause.
They know that gossip is not truth.
They understand that harm and healing are complex.
They’re not scared to admit when they’re wrong.
They make space—for the victim, for the context, for the process.
They don’t just punish.
They repair.
They educate.
They act with care, not spectacle.
They don’t need to blast everything on the internet to prove they’re “doing something.” They do the work in quiet ways, and the community feels the difference. In those spaces, people aren’t walking on eggshells. They’re walking toward something better.
Not Everyone Is Built like that
that’s okay. Not everyone should be mediating conflicts.
This isn’t about forcing people into roles they’re not built for.
But if you’re not built for it—say that. Be honest.
Don’t pretend you’ve got it covered while secretly ducking behind a wall of favoritism, silence, or shame.
Most leaders are volunteers.
And a lot of y’all are trying your best with no support and no backup. I get that.
But that means we need to stop pretending that all leaders are qualified.
We need to stop handing our deepest wounds to people just because they made a event.
Questions to Sit With
If you’re in leadership right now, ask yourself:
- Who do you actually trust to hold your truth?
- If someone disclosed harm to you tomorrow, would you know what to do?
- Have you trained for that?
- Do you have support for that?
- Are you willing to hold that weight, or are you just hoping it never lands on your lap?
And for the rest of us:
- Are we vetting our leaders like we vet our play partners?
- Are we asking the right questions?
- Are we just assuming safety, or are we building it?
This isn’t about blame. This is about maturity. About integrity.
About knowing when to lead—and when to step aside.
If this made you uncomfortable, that’s good. Sit with it. That discomfort might be the door to something
Let’s stop letting fear dictate our leadership.
Let’s stop mistaking silence for neutrality, and spectacle for justice.
Let’s stop acting like harm is something we can ignore, manage, or gossip our way around.
And let’s start asking the harder questions.
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