1.Lead with presence.
2.Come from curiosity and care.
3.Focus on what matters.
The First Foundation: Presence
Effective communication requires presence.
•Given the complexity of communication, transformation occurs most readily through small shifts sustained over time.
•Presence lays the ground for connection.
•Lead with presence; begin conversation with awareness, return to and strive to maintain that awareness, and be honest with oneself about what’s happening.
•The more aware we are, the more choice we have.
•Leading with presence includes mutuality, seeing the other person as an autonomous individual, and uncertainty, acknowledging and accepting the unknown, both of which create new possibilities in dialogue.
The Second Foundation: Intention
Intention determines direction.
•Our intentions, views, and experiences reinforce each other: views determine intentions, intentions shape experiences, and experiences confirm our views. Shifting our view therefore can change our intentions and our experience.
•Being aware of our habitual conflict styles allows us to transform the underlying beliefs and emotions that hold them in place and to make different choices.
•The less blame and criticism, the easier it is for others to hear us.
•Everything we do, we do to meet a need.
•People are more likely to listen when they feel heard. To build understanding, reflect before you respond.
The Third Foundation: Attention
Attention shapes experience.
•The more we are able to differentiate between our strategies and needs, the more clarity and choice we have.
•The more we understand one another, the easier it is to find solutions that work for everyone. Therefore, establish as much mutual understanding as possible before problem solving.
•Being aware of our emotions supports our ability to choose consciously how we participate in a conversation.
•The more we take responsibility for our feelings, connecting them to our own needs rather than to others’ actions, the easier it is for others to hear us.
•The more we hear others’ feelings as a reflection of their needs, the easier it is to understand them without hearing blame, needing to agree, or feeling responsible for their emotions.
•Having empathy for ourselves increases our capacity to listen to others, whether or not they have the space to listen to us.
•Stating clearly what happened, without judgment or evaluation, makes it easier for someone to hear us and to work toward a solution.
•Translating judgments into observations, feelings, and needs can yield valuable information about what is and isn’t working and provide clues for how to move forward.
•When giving feedback, be specific about what is and isn’t working and why, which makes it easier to learn.
•The clearer we are about what we want and why, the more creative we can be about how to make it happen.
•Have ideas for strategies that meet as many needs as possible, which invites others to look for creative solutions.
•Stating how a conversation can contribute to both of us helps create buy-in and willingness.
•Whenever possible, check if the other person feels understood before moving on to a new topic or shifting the center of attention to your own experience.
•We have more clarity and power when we use fewer words with more sincerity. Speaking in short, succinct chunks makes it easier for others to understand us.
•Attending to our own reactivity, noticing the rise of activation and supporting the calm of deactivation, can help us make wiser choices about what to say and when.
•When in conflict, if we aim to listen to the other person first it increases the chances that they will be willing to listen to us.
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